Thursday, October 6, 2016

no longer just surviving

Sometimes I take the long way back to my dorm to have more time enjoying the weather. I like watching the squirrels, people's dogs they've brought onto campus, and the wind blowing through trees. It's amazing, really, how beautiful everything is.

Something I hear very often told to people struggling with suicide is, "There's so much beauty in the world". I've said it to those struggling, had it said to me, and have even said it to myself. It's true. There is so much beauty in the world. But the problem with suicide and depression is not that people cannot see the beauty, but that they cannot see their place in it or how they are part of it. When I was at my lowest, I could still see the beauty of the world around me. But I truly believed I did not contribute to it and even believed I degraded it. 

I was surviving. Barely holding onto the hope that one day, things would get better. That I would be part of the beauty I was beholding instead of just a bystander. I'm proud of the time I was a bystander, actually. I had to survive in order to get where I am now. But I always knew I wouldn't stay there. 

"Survival mode is supposed to be a phase that helps save your life. It is not meant to be how you live." ~Michele Rosenthal 

I'm really glad to be out of survival mode, at least for a while. I'm enjoying the beauty while I see it and recognize my place in it. Even if depression comes my way again and I have to relinquish my grip on living and go back to simply surviving, I'll know that recovery is possible. Beauty is out there. Beauty is in here, in me. And one day, I'll discover where we meet.


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